Despair
by BeauchampIsBae
Summary: One year later and Connie still struggles with the events of the crash, now with Sam taking Grace her world shatters, but she finds comfort in a unlikely source.
1. chapter 1

Connie was sat in her office, her brains racking through her thoughts.

"Mrs Beauchamp."

A voice came. She ignored it.

"Mrs Beauchamp, you're needed in resus."

Her attention napped at the word 'needed', she looked up to find the innocent and cheery face of Robyn, she studied her for a few seconds before getting to her feet, and handing her stethoscope around her neck.

"There's been a pile up, we are the designated receiving hospital, first patient is a 16 year old girl, ETA 2 minutes." She heard Robyn say, rather than respond she walked confidently in to resus where 2 minutes later they wheeled a very agitated young lady.

"This is Scarlett Jones, age 16, she has sustained multiple injuries to her abdomen, head and she has a query fractured tibia, she's breathless and tachycardic at 125, her BP is low at 95/46, Resps are 22, stats are 85% on full flow oxygen, she's had 1 litre of normal saline and 10mg of morphine." Iain announced as they moved her across to the resus bay. Connie nodded, her brain absorbing all of the information. "Right, can we start the primary survey, Dr Chao." She instructed, her tone mono and her facial expressions giving nothing away, she bent over her the patient to listen to her chest- her expressions softening as she took on the girls appearance who reminded her so much of her own daughter, Grace.

"Scarlett, I am Mrs Beauchamp. I'll be looking after you, do you know where you are?" She questioned as the young girl writhed beneath her, struggling to get away. "Alright." Connie muttered, "calm down." Her voice had changed tone, it was now calm and soothing which in return for its job, the girl relaxing and settling.

"Right okay, can we run some bloods- FBCs, LFTs, UsEs. Let's get a urine analysis with a BETA HCg, let's keep on top of the fluids and pain relief when and as required, book her in for full trauma CT, and let's keep the surgeons updated." She ordered, snapping her gloves on and examining a head wound, shining a light in her eyes, when suddenly her mind lost control and flashed back to that dreadful day...

"Grace! Grace!" The silence of the resus room was over whelming, as her child- her baby laid there with tubes and wire coming out of her by the gallons. "Mrs Beauchamp... Connie."

... the Voice came crashing through and bringing back to reality. "I am sorry." She stammered, her expression like a deer caught in head lights. Very much unlike her usual confident self, she fled from resus and vacating to the privacy of her office where she collapsed, in tears. Completely and utterly broken.

A few minutes later there was a knock on the door which brought Connie's attention away from her thoughts, she quickly wiped her eyes and tried to compose her self. "Yes." She called out weakly. The door opened and none other than the infamous Jac Naylor slipped through the door, sighing at the site of Connie. "I am not in the mood for any sarcastic or witty comments." Connie scorned before Jac had chance to open her mouth. "Well there goes my opening." She rolled her eyes. "What an earth is the matter with you, you're not the Connie Beauchamp I once knew." She said with a concerned sigh, nothing like her usual rude and abrupt nature. Connie looked to her with a look of despair, her eyes brimming and tears spilling over. "I don't know.. I really don't, I just keep thinking about it. It doesn't leave me." She said, her emotions cracking her voice and making her sound more vulnerable than ever.

"What? What won't leave you?" Jac questioned, slightly shocked at the current state of her former clinical lead. Connie glance to her, once again wiping her eyes "what are you doing down here anyway?" She asked, avoiding the subject. "I got paged, one of your low life doctors needed a surgical consultant, you practically mowed me down trying to get to your office." She said, which elected an small smile across Connie's face. "Anyway, don't change the subject- what bothering you, Connie?" Jac watched as Connie face fell in to a miserable expression, one that se can only presume nightmares are made off. "The crash. Sam taking her, it's just all too much." She whispered, her voice shattered very much like her soul.


	2. The discovery

Less than an hour later Connie was shrugging her coat on, Jac had been paged to an emergency much to her relief, although how broken she currently felt she still had a hardcore reputation to maintain, which she would protect at all costs. Her phone all of a sudden bleeped twice, pulling her from her thoughts and alerting her that someone had sent her text, rolling her eyes and assuming it was another summonses from Nina to discuss budgets she picked the phone up to tell her she'd left for the day however once the screen lit up she discovered that it wasn't just the usual work text, it was Jac.

Text: meet me at skyline in 30 minutes. Drinks on me.

JN.

She breathed, wondering why Jac was taking such a interest in her personal life. Never the less she grabbed her bag and made her way to the exit, happy to finally file this shift to the back of her mind. She strolled to her car, having half a mind to blow Jac off as just go home so she can run her self a luxury, hot bubble bath and crawl in to bed. Unfortunately her actions betrayed her mind and she drove straight to skyline, her curiosity of what Jac wanted over powering her decision to want to go to bed. She arrived at skyline 20 minutes later, walking in to the bar, she spotted the fiery red headed consultant straight away, she sighed to her self and made her way over sitting down beside her. "Well isn't this cosy." She remarked, Catching Jac's attention.

"Hm, well I do try." She retorted sarcastically back, pushing a full wine glass in front of her which earned a look of gratitude from Connie.

Connie picked up the wine glass and took small sips, her eyes dancing over Jac, trying to understand her intentions. "So..." she questioned, "why the sudden interest in me?" She said, straight to the point.

Jac just shrugged in response, her facial expression giving nothing away. "Can't a girl take an interest in the well-being of her friend, with out being accused off having some form of alterer motive."

"Not when that friend has a reputation like yours." Connie said, her voice level and calm. "Seriously Jac, what is going on?"

Jac sighed and took a gulp of her wine, turning to Connie and studying her, searching for signs of vulnerability. "Quite a few members of staff are concerned, from your department as well as upstairs." She said, truthfully. "Your behaviour recently has been up down." She shrugged, before adding "understandably, of course."

Connie shuck her head, in denial straight away. "Well your concern is not needed, I am fine." Her words caused a flicker of what looked like sadness to appear across Jacs face, it was gone in a instant.

"Connie." Jac sighed before Connie interrupted her. "Jac, please just drop it. Let's just talk about something else, any else." Her voice was now a pleading whisper, desperately trying to fight back and conceal her emotions.

Jac studied her for the the second time that night, her concerned grew stronger but she nodded in a bid to understand. "Okay.." she said softly, deciding to order another bottle of wine and changing the subject of conversation, deciding it was a wise move not to provoke her emotions further. "How's you're new F1s?" She questioned. "Settling in okay, or did your impossibly high heels scare them away?"

The sarcastic remark made Connie's face light up a little, causing her to smirk slightly.

"Actually, they are not as annoying as the last set, there's this one that might actually survive his ED rotation." She laughed slightly, taking sips of wine.

Jac rolled her eyes, slipping back in to her hardcore demeanour.

"Well mine are every bit as irritating as I assumed they'd be, if not more so. Would you like to swap?" She said, her voice laced with sarcasm.

"Hm, no thank you." She smiled in response. "Anyway, its not me that has the baby sit them, it's Dylan." She shrugged. "It's part of the perks of being clinical lead, you get to palm of juniors on to other consultants." She said, tossing her hair back- her voice now back to its usual confident self.

"Well I don't trust the Italian douchebag to get me the correct coffee, let alone nurture and guide the next generation of Cardiothoracic Surgeons." She groaned, a clear indication that she'd still not forgiven him for lying to her, which Connie picked up on immediately.

"Still sour, Hm?" Connie's asked, innocently while pouring her self another glass of wine, ignoring Jac's current glare. "I'll take that as a yes then." She said with smile, turning to face her.

"Of course not." Jac growled, her facial expressing giving her away. "I just think he is up his own ass, he thinks the world owes him." She said with sass in her voice.

"Well, once the exact same thing could have been said about you." Connie told her, honestly. "I think you sometimes forget that you have made mistakes too, quite big ones actually." Connie reminded her. "You forget that it was once you that wore that label, you have to tell yourself now- if you didn't like how you where treated then maybe you should consider he feels the same way about how you're treating him." Connie logically stated, while Jac rolled her eyes.

"Anyway, enough about Rossini." She said sharply, which elected a raised eyebrow from Connie.

"Alright, Miss touchy." She said as a joke, taking another gulp of her wine. "How's Emma?" She enquired.

Jac smiled, her thoughts flashing back to her little girl. "Emma's fine, she's growing she learning so much every day- I am definitely one proud mother." She said lovingly and gentle. "And Grace?" She question, softly.

"Grace is fine, she's loves living back in the states with Sam." She sniffed, getting emotional. "She Skypes me and texts me a lot, which is nice." A single tear fell absently from her eye, catching her off guard and she quickly wiped it. "Sorry..."

"Don't apologise, you miss her. It's understandable." Jac said, in a understanding and relatable tone.

"Still, this it's custom not to have a breakdown when you're out having a good time." She shrugged, finishing off another glass.

Jac shook her head, watching her. "Slow down on the drinking."

"I've only had 3 glasses, calm down." She sighed, reaching for the bottle which Jac moved out if her reach.

"Yes, 3 glasses in half an hour." Jac sighed followed by "Come on, let's get you home." She told her, leaving no room for arguments.

Connie sighed but nevertheless got to her feet and made her way out side while Jac called for a taxi.

15 minutes later Connie stumbled through her front door and trailed through to her kitchen, followed closely by Jac.

"Drink?" She asked which resulted in a nod from Jac. She poured two glasses of wine, passing Jac one and sipping one her self. "Have you heard of Elliot recently?" She asked.

"Yes, actually he sent me a letter of Condolence when Jasmine died." She said, choking on her words slightly.

"Yes, I am so sorry for your loss." Connie said, rubbing Jac's arm in a comforting way.

"Thank you." She nodded, taking control of her emotions back, gently brushing passed Connie.

Connie downed her glass again, placing it on the side. "I am going to go slip on to something more comfortable, you coming up." She questioned, while Jac ran her fingers through her own hair, breathing out and nodding absent mindedly.

Connie padded up to her room with Jac following her. "Do you want some pyjamas? " she asked, opening her wardrobe, pulling out a pair and offering it to her.

"Wasn't aware I was having a sleep over." She muttered, taking them and changing.

"Well you're here now." Connie shrugged, taking out a night shirt for herself and pulling her clothes off...

"Jesus Christ Connie!" Jac snapped suddenly, causing her to jump. "What an earth are you doing to your self."

"I have no idea what you're taking about." Connie snapped back, turning around and facing Jac which showed the true extent of the damage, her ribs where sticking ouch, her skin was pale and lifeless, in the light Jac could see dark circles around her blood shot eyes, her cheek bones where much more defined, you could see the entire structure of her skeleton.

Jac stood there, sick to her stomach. "How much weight have you lost?" She growled, anger taking over.

"It's just a few pounds, it's not a big deal." Connie sighed, putting the shirt over her head and covering her frail body.

"How much!" Jac said again, this time she yelled it.

"About 3 stone, maybe more." Connie signed jumping at Jacs raised voice.

"Oh god." She muttered to get self. "When did you last eat."

Connie just shrugged. "Yesterday morning, I just don't get hungry, it's not intentional." She told her, while Jac sighed, siting on the bed.

"Connie, you can't ignore this." She took breath in. "Neither can I."


	3. Comfort

Connie watched Jac her expression panicked. "Jac it's honestly not what it looks like.."

Jac interrupted her voice full of concern for her colleague. "So please do enlighten me as to what is going on here."

Taking a breath Connie sat on her bed, closing her eyes momentarily. "I can't seem to eat at the moment, it's not intentional it's just every time I do I feel sick or I am sick, because the stress is just that much- between the night mares and Sam taking Grace plus running a very busy AE Department with the current state of the NHS- it's just too much." She spoke honestly, which was a first for her in this particular situation, she had realised how badly she was in need of help for both her professional and personal life.

Jac listened, she did sympathise with her in regards to struggling at work, she too was in the same boat as Clinical Lead's up and down the country, but she also understood her in regards to the trauma she suffered in the crash, she too struggled a lot after her hike crash in 2005. "I understand."

Those two words spoke brought Connie comfort, she didn't feel as alone.

Joining her on the bed, Jac sat with her. "I think it's worth you speaking to someone, well some people." She stated, watching Connie's reaction very closely. "Hm, in what respect?" A shrink really wasn't Connie's forte, she struggled to expressed and understand her emotions to her self, let alone a random stranger.

"Well." Jac started. "I think you should first off all contact your lawyer in regards to Sam taking Grace out of the country, l think you should talk to Hanssen about possibly sharing your responsibilities at work- it might be worth getting another Deputy Clinical Lead." She was thinking logically and professionally. "And I think you need to speak to a counsellor.." Jac added delicately, studying Connie's facial feature hoping to get some form of understanding about what is going on in her head at this current moment in time.

There was a several seconds of an eerie silence until Connie finally broke it.

"Technically Sam is her legal guardian, he doesn't need my permission." Her tone of voice was defeated and flat. "She's over 11 too, so the choice really lies with her and in regards to your idea for a Deputy Clinical Lead.. well my options are limited and I no longer have Zoe Hanna." She ran her hands through her thick, brown curls- she wasn't even going to entertain the idea of a counsellor and Jac knew this.

Jac sighed. "You're focusing on the negatives, if you can't get Grace back then use this opportunity to build bridges with her so she will want to come back." She told her, her voice authoritative. "Zoe was good, but so are the other consultants at your disposal, what about that Keogh guy?" Jac was never one for remembering names, on the account of the fact she never usually cared.

"Dylan?" Connie questioned. "Hm I guess, look can we change the subject." She pleaded gently, vulnerability very much evident in her voice, posture and facial expression. Jac made a mental note of this, nodding. "Where's your spare room, I'll set it up?" She queried, which cause another unusual vulnerable moment in Connie's usually unflawed character.

"Please stay with me, I don't want to be alone." Her voice was no more than broken whisper, although she'd never admit it, it broke Jac's heart.

"Okay, but please eat something." She asked, her own voice showing emotion and concern for the Clinical Lead. "Anything."

Connie nodded. "Toast, it's light for this time of night."

Jac nodded and wordlessly got to her feet, gently squeezing Connie's hand a small act of compassion, after all actions speak louder then words anyway. Jac made her way to the kitchen and made Connie's toast, her mind replaying the events of the day, scrutinising every detail she could recall. Plating up the food Jac made her way back to Connie's bed room, handing the plate over. Connie took it gratefully, paling as she looked at it-

Knowing she was going to feel sick for hours on end the minute it hits her digestive track.

Take a mouthful and then another, she ate one slice before giving up.

Jac nodded, taking the plate- satisfied that her stomach was lined at least. "Tired?" She asked, glancing to the clock- 2am, she certainly was ready for bed.

"Hm, I am now." Connie hummed on response, climbing in to bed and getting comfortable- Jac follows her actions getting beside her, which caused Connie to immediately cuddle in to the younger woman. Although Jac wouldn't ever admit it aloud she was happy Connie was in her arms, she felt as if she was protecting her, lost in thought she felt Connie's breathing change on her neck, her breathe where now deeper and more drawn out, indicating that she was now asleep. Closing her own eyes, content with her environment Jac was soon fast asleep.

Only an hour or so later, Jac awoke abruptly at the sudden movement of Connie bolting up right. "What an earth is the matter?" She asked immediately, watching Connie move like lightening to en suit, she groaned as she heard the painful wrenching of Connie empty her stomach content in to the toilets tears over spilling- sighing, Jac got to her feet and went to her aid, carrying out the duties required: Holding her hair back, rubbing her back and wiping her mouth when she was done. "You're Alright." She soothed, sitting Connie one the toilet and grabbing her a glass of water.

Connie took the water, gratefully. Utterly embarrassed about the events that had just unfolded. "I am so sorry."

Jac shook her head, dismissing her apology. "Come on let's get you back to bed."

Letting Jac take her weight, she allowed her self to be guided back to the bed, collapsing back when she was in it.

She felt a wave of comfort flood her body when Jac climbed in beside her, opening her free orbs to looks at, she made eye contact. Catching them both of guard- then what happened next was out of both of their control. A kiss. An Emotional, sentimental, meaningful kiss. Which lasted several seconds, pulling away Connie strokes Jac face, mentally preparing her self for the back lash that is Jac Naylor when someone gets to close, but there was no blind panic, no arguments or telling. Instead she smiled and simply allowed Connie to cuddled in to her again for comfort. Once again they both fell asleep, content.


End file.
